Lowest Bidder

[Vesuveus]

Here’s a story I wrote long ago and never posted. More of a fanfic than a RP. Inspired by true events. Just came up with the title in the subject.

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I love her. I will always love her. Even though I am killing her.

She is so beautiful. She has the kind of face that brightens up the room, and my day. Her loving eyes inject warmth inside me when the world is cold. But tonight, she has the kind of eyes that make me sob in absolute misery. And it is all my fault.

My stomach is in a knot. My eyes are shut so tightly. My eyeballs feel like they are going to pop. My face crunched up in agony. I cannot breathe from my congested nose. Chest deflated. Unable to inhale because my lungs are stuck in an exhale. My throat closed from the lump. The acid in my stomach boiling over and burning my chest. All the pressure desperately trying to escape from my forehead. The feeling of cracks in my skull, the pain breaking through.

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“You don’t have to make me feel this way.”

“I’m sorry,” I barely muster as I turn and walk away. The door shuts behind her and I can hear her pain. It echoes in my head. Echoes and echoes and echoes. And every time I hear her in my head my heart tares more and more. To kill someone you love. To cause the pain you took away so many times.

The exit cannot get here any faster. The blur of the doorway in my salty, glazed eyes. I shut the door and let it all out. The sound of a million hearts breaking at once.

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They come to you when you are at your lowest. When you are desperate. I am both.

They tell me the things I want to hear. I may never forgive myself, but I can forget. And I may deserve this prison.

So I tell them what they want to know. Another sin I’ll burn for. Obvious smiles from underneath their bandanas.

I hold it in my hand. The exit cannot get here any faster. The blur of the doorway in my salty, glazed eyes. I place it over my tongue, back in my throat. I swallow the water rapidly hoping it will choke me. It all hit my chest at the same time, like swallowing a brick that crashes in my stomach.

Keep a hold of yourself. Subdue the emotions. Don’t throw this up. It will take effect soon.

Drowsiness. My eyelids slide over my retinas, slowly. I used to see blackness when I shut my eyes. I used to see her. Now all I see is… blue.